I got some bad news today. You know the money you get from those ATM machines? All that money comes from your account!
I don't care how much you and your cat love each other, if you were one inch smaller than the sweet little kitty, he'd eat you in a heartbeat.
I'm really glad the guy who invented the Ray Gun was named Ray. Being shot with a Fred gun just wouldn't sound as cool.
If you sat a million monkeys down at a million computers, they might just fix this Y2K problem... oh wait, we're already doing that.
I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching. That really freaks me out, you know?
My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working.
I'd always wondered what it would be like to live on the sun, until my mother-in-law suggested that pressing my face against a hot frying pan might give me an idea. Trust me, you don't want to move there.
I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true.
Why are aliens always portrayed as evil in movies? How do we know that there isn't an alien out there just waiting to share the recipe for "The Universe's Best Waffle Mix?"
Light sabers don't kill people. Jedis kill people.
I'll bet the first convenience stores were nothing more than caves where you could buy sticks and rocks and microwave burritos.
Word to the Empire: The Death Star is impressive, but just be sure your maps are current.
If I could have time in a bottle, I'd make it a glass bottle. That way, I could see the dinosaurs.