These are reportedly taken from real resumes and cover letters.

• My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
• Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.
• Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
• Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.
• I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
• I am a rabid typist.
• Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.
• Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.
• Proven ability to track down and correct erors.
• Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.
• I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.
• References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me.
• Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
• Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.
• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
• I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
• I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail.
• Qualifications: No education or experience.
• Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.
• Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.
• Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!
• Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.
• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
• Reason for leaving last job:  maturity leave.
• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
• It's best for employers that I not work with people.
• Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
• Note: Please don't misconstrue my fourteen jobs as 'job-hopping'.  I have never quit a job.
• Marital status: often.  Children: various.
• Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning.  I couldn't work under those conditions.
• The company made me a scapegoat, just like my 3 previous employers.
• Finished eighth in my class of ten.
• My endless list of incredibly relevant job experiences is exceeded only by my modesty.